It really bothers me how unaware some people are, of everything. I have a particular person in mind, this person seemingly acts as if they have never gone through struggles and suffering, and it saddens me how apathetic this person can be towards quite important matters. I’m not expecting you to cry but please show me some emotion once in a while: show me that you are human. What’s more is that good things always happen to this person I talk of. I guess I may be a little envious. I have too much misfortune and it’s truly astonishing when something good happens in my life, which makes it even more worthwhile. This person does not expect anything and gets everything whereas I do not expect anything and still come up short. Does this make sense?
It maddens me that capitalism has created a bubble where people of the working class are more or less stuck. It’s hard to achieve, be able to do the things one wants to and that would make one content due to invisible restrictions and walls, which inevitably makes one immobilised and perturbed, more or less. The saddest part is that in order to achieve some things be it academically or on a personal level, one would have to become a modern slave, pay check to pay check yet the majority of the money spent paying back bills, with nothing left to pursue interesting somethings that would bring one joy. That’s certainly not living but merely existing. I do not want to exist, I want to live. However I do not have a choice in “living” right now, but I am not compromising, in fact I am livid beyond belief. But, what else can I do but exist right now? It’s out of my control.
I’m becoming increasingly cynical and bitter. On the other hand, I must admit that I’m not fully at fault as life has been squeezing the goodness from within me, time after time. What am I to do but finally react to everything? I tried to remain optimistic but that was an idiotic attempt at pretending that the darkness wasn’t consuming me entirely. I am just finding daily life incomprehensible once again—I am questioning things that ought to be simple, people and their motives for instance, whether I have an omen causing illness in all aspects of my life. Well, perhaps the following weeks shall unfold pleasantly and not be as detrimental to my person, for the past few months have been exhausting and insufferable. I cannot endure much inner suffering any longer nor can I sob as if I were an infant, I do need to release my repressed aggression before I find myself to be bedridden once again however. My downfall into a bottomless pit will be inevitable if I do not address certain issues that are causing me to crumble. It’s but a taunt for now and thus I fear that the past and present shall eventually haunt me and manifest in the ugliest manner in future. I’m becoming increasingly cynical and bitter, but I can make do with the remaining goodness from within me that is still intact I suppose.
I was about to binge and purge but then I stopped myself. I just ate like a normal person in the end. I suppose that is a good thing, and thus I am content with the outcome. I feel like food tastes better when I am not constantly thinking about bringing it back up, chewing slower than usual helps.